Holiday Wish List
Dear President Obama,
I’m writing this letter to you because I hear Santa had his assets with Bernie Madhoff, and I don’t think he’s gonna be giving out much this year. With so many lining up for billions of dollars, I thought I’d try and get my share for sport.
You’ve done it, my dad has done it, everyone knows where to buy it, just tax it already. We need the revenue, and I wanna make something useful in my apartment. If you really want to avoid a Great Depression, ending the prohibition will create an Era of Creative Empathy… not much, but it’s a start.
2. Free health care
I’m not talking checkups and dental (though that’s good too), just catastrophe insurance. The kind I’ll need when I’m hit buy a car driven by a dude having a massive coronary as he listens to Market Place.
3. Buy the IOU’s in the beer fund jar
These assets will have value once the drunk assholes who sold them to me graduate and get jobs. The recent slowdown has made their line of work less productive, but I’m sure you can give em jobs in government.
5. Miniature pony
This requires no explanation other than my insatiable loneliness.
6. Lump of coal for self pity
With plummeting energy prices, you can certainly afford to send this timeless message to the self flagellating crowd. If coal isn’t en vogue, then plant a wind turbine behind each house to employ the local community and advertise sustainability.
7. Update the national anthem
As the first Hip Hop President, you need to establish a search for the illest Jimi Hendrix/Dr. Dre Star Spangled Remix. The chorus will be a war cry to shake our enemies in their sleep.
8. Less waiting in/online
I hear they don’t have lines in South Korea… or was it Taiwan? Either way, remember this, the less I wait, the less irate. If the information superhighway was so super, my connection wouldn’t drop during torrential rains and missed cable payments.
9. Punish my enemies via a small regional war
This is an old favorite, so I trust you’re handling it with care.
10. Less pantsuits on women of power
Pantsuits are hideous. Girls know it. Guys know it. Get rid of them.
If anything here seems ridiculous or impossible, just make it happen during a late congressional session before a holiday and nobody will be the wiser. Better men have done more damaging things, and this will buy you enough time to figure out a plan of action before the people publicly hangs their leaders for rampant fraud and corruption. Happy holiday.